Some people are intoxicating to be with. They have a way of making you feel important, noticed, and they linger in your thoughts for a while after they’re gone.
They captivate. They have you noticing, and when they speak, they have you listening, hearing and open to their influence. Sometimes they’ll shift your mood just by being with you for a while.
They’re sought after, enjoyed, trusted, remembered and influential. Their magic lies, not so much in what they say or do, but how they make you feel – and anyone can do it. Here’s how:
Vulnerability is powerful and charming. There are a few ways to do this – with praise, by being emotionally generous, or by telling a story which shows that you as less than perfect. Vulnerability can have the effect of communicating confidence, establishing trust in the people you’re talking to, and can increase your likeability by giving permission for others to take a risk or to be less than perfect themselves.
Go into a conversation with the intention of finding out something interesting about the other person. Everyone has a story to tell and the best people to be around are the ones who encourage and give space for that story to be told. The story doesn’t have to be a big one – it’s not just the big details that make up a life, the smaller ones are important too. Whether it’s a story about the day, the weekend, work, kids, pets or the bigger things that make us who we are – everyone has something to say. Be curious, and encouarge their story to life.
Shine the light on someone else
Offering praise is such a wonderful thing to do, but it can feel risky. When praise is genuine and given with generous intent, it can transform a moment, a person, a day. Praise will always have the capacity to lift the person who is receiving it, as well as the person giving it – it really is that powerful. Praise will inspire, warm and strengthen a connection. Do it without limits, but make sure it’s genuine. You’ll never know the difference you could be making to someone.
Check your ego at the door
Invite opinion, but hold back on judgement. When you understand enough of someone’s story, the way they see the world usually starts to make sense. Ask questions that help you see the world through their eyes. It doesn’t mean you’ll agree with it, it just means that you can see how they personally got to their opinion. In the same circumstances, you might have got to a completely different one – and that’s okay. Showing interest doesn’t mean showing support for their point of view. It means that you’re open to listening, without judging, and this can feel captivating to be around. Let the person know that you would like to understand more about how they’ve arrived where they have, ‘I’d really like to understand – can you say more?
Start a conversation with something positive and try to avoid your opening being about bad traffic, bad weather, bad food or bad news. There’s certainly a place for that, but just avoid letting it be right at the beginning. Positive words, positive feelings, positive impact.
Push through the small talk
You might have to wade through a bit of small talk but keep going, there will always be a point at which this is dwindles away and people share the things that are important. Everyone has something to say that is important and interesting. Eventually, you’ll be likely to find a common thread that will connect you – somewhere you’ve both been, someone you both know, something you’ve both experienced – there’ll be something.
The slow smile has it
Research has shown that there is a way to smile – and slowly does it. People whose smiles take longer to emerge were rated as more attractive, trustworthy and less dominant than those whose smiles came on quickly. They were also judged to be more authentic. When you smile, make sure your eyes are involved. If your face smiles but your eyes get left behind, people will quickly know that you’re not really in it.